in the balance
I really suck at uncertainty and living in the unknown and often in being patient. It’s always been difficult to surprise me. I hate not knowing. Even as a kid, I would find Christmas presents weeks before and then disappoint myself by already knowing what was in the boxes. Surprise parties are pretty much impossible as well. I listen, I notice all the things and I’ve been known to snoop around some when necessary.
It’s so frustrating and anxiety producing. The pit in my stomach, the sadness the heaviness that slowly spreads up through my entire rib cage and up my throat. The feeling of not knowing and uncertainty leaves me feeling unbalanced, dizzy and with zero trust. What an opportunity to practice living in full faith and in trusting the path.
How difficult I find it to live in a world where so much is unknown. As my eyes opened this morning, another Monday, I wondered how the day would unfold. I have so many things on my to do list today to move me forward in my pursuit of new employment. It’s interesting to me, how we go about our everyday lives in a certain way and then all of a sudden a choice or a move that is not our own, launches us into a whole new way of being and turns everything upside down. Here is where we require a shift in perception, a miracle as The Course in Miracles says, without plummeting into the darkness of doubt. How do you go about changing your perspective when everything feels so uncertain and in question and lonely and unlike the way you have been operating until now.
I often have tried to be in control of situations around me, to my own detriment. I have been practicing knowing that if I have tried and done all the things aligned with my intended desires, I can release control. I can release my own idea about what the outcome is. Terrifying, right? This is a tough one to shed, I want to know what happens next and I want to direct it!!! (said while stomping one and then both feet on the ground. In relationships, in work, in so many moments of every day.
Well, isn’t that just the nature of life and being human? We can plan, we can do, undo and participate when all of a sudden a nudge brings us to our knees. So it begs to question, how do we return ourselves to stasis and into the new way? Gabby Bernstein says, we need to turn fear into faith. Melody Beattie in, The Journey to the Heart, claims “How boring it would be if we knew everything that was going to happen.” “We’d stay in our heads instead of our hearts. So often, it’s the surprises of the moments and hours, the unexpected twists and turns that give meaning to our journey and make our lessons come alive.”
In my own questionable and scary times I like to remind myself that the power and the answers are already in me. I am connected to the faithful guidance that I can rely on to help move me the direction of my path and my truth. Whether it’s a job loss, or a sickness or a broken relationship, I can rely on the fact that I can choose moment to moment the next right thing and open my heart to guidance toward what is next. I can let it hurt and I can still be ok in it. Oh I slip, and I fall into fear and I react with impulsivity or unkindness sometimes more often then I’d like. I also know that my true nature is the spark in me that can choose again and again in the next moment and align me with who I know that I really am and how I want to feel.
I am working on releasing my need for control and have been opening myself up to possibility. Whether in the face of uncertainty or when I’m in flow I can remain open to what is for me. Rejection is often divine protection and I remind myself that often in times of disappointment when the outcome is not what I wanted or expected it to be, I can keep showing up and resolution will come. If you don’t ask for it you won’t get it. If you don’t try you won’t know and herein lies the opportunity to experience more uncertainty or be let down or who knows…maybe enter a world far greater than you could have ever imagined.
I am moving forward in the waves of uncertainty. I am practicing being ok in not knowing. I want to be the woman who is surprised by life and the beauty in it. I am embracing the uncertainty in full faith that the resolution of it will be in the best interest for all. I want the surprises. So I wait patiently and I practice again and again. I pause, I surrender, I surrender again and then I leap. Not knowing what is on the other side, not knowing where I land. And that… is what I am doing to transform my relationship with uncertainty.
Be in faith. I see you. I love you.
