destination here

Are you stuck in the past? Going over and over again in your mind the scenarios that could’ve been different? The ways you could’ve stepped left instead of right, the things you could’ve said or maybe chosen not to say? Reading old texts, overanalyzing how things went down?  How much time are you spending thinking about how things could have gone differently?

Or are you frantically barreling toward the future? With zero grasp of what’s passing you on either side like the landscape on a highway you’re speeding down to get to the next destination? Are you spending time lining up scenarios that will ultimately end in where you want to be headed?

Yes, we learn from past mistakes and from our successes. Yes we set goals and we work toward them.  We plan the steps taking us in that direction. But what happens when you’re being pulled toward something that hasn't happened yet or stuck in something that is already over? The past is gone, it can leave behind sweet memories and even  people you have journeyed with or it can leave regrets, heart tugging and a deep ache for what is no longer . The past can leave a feeling of missing something in a space where it used to take residence but it can also set up room for what is coming next.

What about the future? Sitting in anxiety and uncertainty often under the guise of reaching toward a goal. Lining up activities and putting so much pressure on ourselves to get there in our own way and on our timeline. All the while blatantly missing all the universal messages all the signs all the experiences that can be so enriching and bring so much growth. So often being focused on the what if and not recognizing that as we are spending time in the, “when this happens then I will finally….” we are already there.  When I’ve run that marathon, gotten that job, secured that relationship then I will be happy?  Then what? What if where you are supposed to be is exactly where you are right now .

A million years ago when I was newly married,  I struggled with infertility. I knew one thing for certain, that I wanted to be a Mom.. Somehow my timeline was not aligning. My baby was not coming to me when I was ready. Instead my body struggled to find balance, exhibiting various types of autoimmune and inflammatory process ultimately culminating in a pituitary tumor that was preventing my system from making a home for a future child. It was not time, I was trying to control the outcome. Looking back now I see years of frustrating diagnostics, and day counting and cycle tracking and side effects. I see a woman pushing toward the family she saw in my mind as ideal. This is an example of forcing the outcome that does not  want to budge. Instead, I could have adapted the verbage I try to practice so often now, “if not this then something better,” “let go of the outcome.” What if that process was exactly where I needed to be? Because obviously it was.

I had my tumor removed and then my first baby within a year. Two years later I was surprised by twins and all the uncontrollables that surrounded a multiple and early delivery. Yes, I have the family I was meant to have. I can get stuck in thinking and over thinking what could’ve, how I should’ve, what I choose. Not going to should on myself. I am exactly where I needed to be. Now looking back and thinking that all the steps leading me there and all the lessons I had to learn on that path were exactly me already being at my destination and already being in my experience. 

This thought process can be applied to literally thousands of occurrences in my life. Romantic love, job loss and gain, house buying, vacation planning . But now I am surely in the practice of reminding myself that this moment is exactly where I need or needed to be. Yes, I needed my past to get me here, yes I need a vision of the future to provide a framework of moving forward… but thinking , if not this then something better helps to release the outcomes and frees me up to experience what is.

My friend Jill randomly sent me a quote last night, I was already asleep but I read it this am. “Let everything happen to you beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”-Rainer Maria Rilke. Let yourself feel all the things, knowing the good and the bad will both eventually pass… and that is living in the true experience of your life.  I’ve spent so much time, driving in circles looking for the destination, waving my hands around hoping for someone to show me the way when really, what I was seeking was literally right in front of me. The journey, the being lost, the being found, the being. Keep going.  We are already in it. Maybe I was there, maybe I am here . Maybe you too are exactly where you need to be too.

I see you . I love you.