elevate

In yoga today we started face down on our bellies.  No heart openers, no hip openers just face down on the ground and let the earth hold you.  For those of us who regularly yoga, I think it’s safe to say this is an unusual way to start the class.  Typically it’s face up, receptive and open. It was crowded and about 98 degrees and mat to mat we all centered ourselves enough to feel secure in just being there.   We surrendered, or I did into this unusual position. Janice, our teacher then went on to talk about what she felt was the wonder and uniqueness of the year 2020.  She was right.  Something just feels very magical about not just turning over another year but turning over a decade. 

I’ve never been a big fan of New Year .  There is something very unsettling about thinking that the change of a calendar means you can wipe the slate clean and start again.  It always made me uneasy in all the build up and the expectations around it.  I try to think about what it felt like as a child, and I still don't remember it feeling quite right or exciting.  Sitting in front of the tv, watching Dynasty or MTV and eating my tv dinner on a fold up tray.  My grandmother babysitting us because my parents were out at some late party that changed up our whole routine.  I don't  remember loving it.  As a 10 year old, I lost my father the day after New Year’s Day and sometimes I wonder if the malleable nature of memory and the swirling association with this life event is what created this feeling…but I guess I will just not know. 

Every year,  like clockwork, there it is again though.  The feeling around this holiday has changed for me since giving up alcohol.  By not altering the present moment and experience of the feelings, whether good or bad, I feel like it has softened, we have become better friends.  Maybe I’ve come to terms with some of the feelings around it more readily, maybe I’ve just allowed myself to actually be in it with no story in my head of what it should be.

Over the past few years I have done something that has helped re- frame it for me.  While listening to a podcast called The Unruffled, the hosts discussed their word of the year.  They chose a word that would be their intention for the new year, or a path toward a goal, or a feeling or something that they needed or wanted to work on.  I loved that.  I love intentionality.  Since then, I have been choosing one for myself and thinking about it in various different ways all year long.  Even when it slips my mind, I quickly come across something that is sure to remind me. 

My last blog post was about dropping the rope, clearly about surrender.  Sitting on my couch and writing that in lieu of my morning pages ( journaling) showed me that yes, after almost 365 days my 2019 word of the year felt like it finally integrated.   I didn't even think about it, but that post was definitely about surrender, full circle at the close of the year.

So as I was surrendering in the hot yoga room face down on my mat, I thought about the word that has come at me and to me,  over and over during the past few weeks.  In books, in therapy even on a billboard in Bridgeport on I-95.  I thought yes, I can surrender but then what?  Well for 2020 this new year, the start of this new decade on the holiday that gives me all the weird feels I choose Elevate.  There’s something so freeing about surrender.  Glennon Doyle says, “first the pain, then the rising.”  So we surrender and then we rise, we elevate.  2020’s intention will be around up-leveling, doing the things that make me think, “who does she think she is?” and saying yes to the tugs at my heart that will surely propel me into greater purpose, and greater service.  I love it so much, I’m kind of obsessed-Elevate. I can’t wait to walk this path.  What’s your word of the year?

I see you. I love you.