triggers

In the midst of life being beatiful and having all the experiences that light you up, there sometimes comes a moment that pushes you back down into your seat . Sometimes more than one moment moment. Sometimes a moment followed by another and another and another , and those moments might come in spirals. Like tiny grains of sand pelting your face or like boulders on your shoulder and in your path .  Triggers. Memories, words, feelings that bring you right back to the spot that you worked so hard to get out of . All the introspection, all the sitting with and in, all the surrender and suddenly you find yourself again-Hurt, questioning, in self doubt. Assessing your self worth and quantifying what you deserve. Taking stock of what it really means, this place that you have in the world, this place that you have created for yourself. Everything that you have uncovered and unraveled on your way to slowly become who you are, exactly where you are.

Then the knot in your stomach and the tightening in your throat and heaviness around your brows that make you feel like you are sinking, sinking back into who you were worried you were becoming in the first place. The triggers we allow. The people, the words, the actions, the feelings that really make you question every single bit of work you have done since the moment you realized that if you didn’t do the work, you were going to live in pain and possibly suffering. Like an avalanche, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, one after the other from the smallest little twinge to the largest shake you find yourself again at step one.

A trigger can be a gift, it most definitely is a message and a reminder. A reminder of something that needs to be healed and a message that you no longer live there. A glimpse back into the dark. We need to balance dark and light. Yes there is dark. There will be dark, there will be triggers, there will be backslides the question is how do we manage those moments? How do we perceive them differently than the first time we met them?

It’s amazing to me how after sitting quietly with so many of these feelings, and releasing them, and becoming friendly with them. That the idea that not everything is going to look and feel the way I want to or expect to, can so quickly transform back into that fear place. I found myself here again early last week, and have noticed that so many little experiences have led me further backwards on my path toward being OK with exactly where I am. With the realization that, “if not this, then something better, “ as Gabrielle Bernstein has said.

When I wake up in the morning before I reach for my phone, before I even open my eyes I send a message to the universe of gratitude. I think about all the things that I am grateful for in that very moment from the simplest thought of that first sip of coffee to my daughter asleep beside me in bed on a vacation in a beautiful place. I out loud express gratitude regarding the day before and I ask to be led. I ask to say, do, and have all the moments that are necessary for me to show up as the best version of myself. Then I take a deep breath and open my eyes and put my feet on the ground.

I often wonder how I start to get the feeling in my stomach that I’m not enough, that I didn’t do enough, that I’m not bringing or being as much as the next person. As I thought these thoughts this very morning, I took a second to really took a look at some of the triggers that brought me back to the fear and worry that I felt I had already worked through. A quote by the Buddha came to mind came to mind. “In the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” Oh, how gracefully….How gracefully? As if letting go and surrendering was as easy as just releasing the grip. Can it be? The reminder that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in this life and that’s it is unfolding for us in the way that is optimal for our individual paths. That being said, it’s so easy to fall back down the rabbit hole to where we used to be. How quickly can we return to baseline? How quickly can we return to that place where we hold the perspective that we can let go, that we can relax, that we can be soft? How can we quickly get back to being ok? That is the miracle, the change in the time it takes to return home.

The trigger is the reminder that we have lost faith. It is the reminder that we are trying to control the outcome and guess the resolution. And often times when we get to that place we can start to feel really shitty because we cannot control it, we cannot guess where it ends and then we start again to question our worth and our power. The miracle is in how fast we can return to the new place we had found . How quickly we can we re-focus on who we love, who we are, and how far we’ve come And how gracefully we can accept the thought, the trigger, the fear, and continue to walk forward in faith that each step is leading us toward freedom and healing. To attract the people we need to stand in our brightest light.

I am often reminded that what I give thought to is what I give power to. And when I am triggered, when that person that has hurt me hurts me again intentionally or not, when I begin to attempt to force someone to see things my way, or to get someone else to react a certain way or to feel a certain way, I remember that this is exactly how it’s supposed to be. Just as it is.

I myself am a divine creature, a spirit having a human experience. Every interaction, every moment every feeling is a lesson and an opportunity to surrender a little more. So today I take a look at my triggers, really look. I say hey triggers I see you welcome back. No I don’t like them. Yes they sink me back into a small, dark place. However, I know that each one is a step and an opportunity for this one precious life to unfold in exactly the way it is supposed to. That each pang and doubt is an opportunity for my heart to soften a little more and to grow a little more. I am headed toward my own experience. Deeper and deeper into the essence of my true self. I look at my triggers and I surrender knowing I have done the work necessary to go beyond them and incorporate them into who I am. Although I do not enjoy these triggers and I have not become immune to the, I have reached the state of being with them, knowing that as they come they affect me a little less each time and I continue to put one foot in front of the other.

How quickly I can return to baseline is where the miracle is, where the evidence is of the deep work that I have done, the deep reflection that I have had and the intense surrender that has already happened. Again being reminded that I am exactly where I need to be and I am grateful, yes, even for the triggers. The questions and the people and the anxiety… that is no longer where I live. “I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.“ -A.G.

I see you. I love you. Keep going.