There’s a funny thing about intuition. For a long time I struggled with the question of is it my intuition or is it fear? Pieces of my past lined up behind every decision I made coloring the edges and making me wonder if the inexplicable little niggling in my heart and the quiet whispering words in my soul were actually my truth attempting to speak to me, or wounds from the past depositing fear into different parts of my body.
In the past five years there has been deep work done to help me uncover the parts of myself that maybe I had suppressed or had quieted or had kept hidden due to who I thought I was supposed to be, how I thought things were supposed to look and what my very own expectations were for my life. This kind of excavation is often so painful. Definitely left me raw and with some scars and often agitated enough to not be able to sit in it without truly forcing myself to. My focus has been to feel it all. To get really quiet and to get really curious about what the experiences and feelings and reactions I was having actually were.
To sit in discomfort with the attempt to not numb it or mute it in any way has proven to me to be the biggest lesson of all despite how very difficult it often is. I have had to look at the shadow parts of myself, that are often not so pleasant to be with. I have had to look at behaviors and decisions and paths that I have taken that have not necessarily lead me down the way to my best self. I have had to look at patterns and mistakes with wide open eyes. My part. My accountability.
I am not sorry. I know now it was my journey. I am sorry for pain brought to anyone else, but for my own... I am not sorry. I have fucked up many times. I have interpreted things incorrectly, I have reacted harshly or in some cases maybe not enough. I have taken moments that could have been transformative and turned the lights down so I did not have to look. But like everything else it is a practice. Between my focus on mindfulness and my physical asana movement I have been taking one step in front of the other. I feel like I have been able to open up places that will accept every part of me exactly how it is in that particular moment and I know other way.
I step, I fall, I wonder. I stand back up. I have in this process often learned to trust or maybe in some cases chosen to trust, even when there has been a small seed of doubt beginning to grow. So many times in the past that small seed has turned out to be my own fear. My own fear being an obstacle to experiencing the moment for what it is. But what I have learned is to get curious about that seed. To get curious about the part of yourself that makes you question how you perceive the truth.
There is a difference between intuition and fear. Years ago a very wise friend told me that intuition is something you feel in your body and often times fear is something you feel in your mind. So I have to say even when I’ve chosen to trust and choose to trust outside of what I initially believe to be true my body never lies. The quiet constant internal messages and whispers I know I’ve come to realize are little love letters from my soul. Dropping little bits of wisdom to guide me to protect me and to ultimately make space in my life for it to unfold exactly as it should. Intuition is a funny thing and often if you just soften into it you find that the universe will send you a person a message and experience that validates, that reaffirms, that reminds you that you already know everything that you need to know. Our body is an inherent divine system of communication that often try so hard to disconnect from.
I promise in this moment to practice staying connected. I promise in this moment to always take the love letters and let them absorb directly into my heart. I promise in this moment to never abandon myself for the sake of loving, believing, or putting myself in the path of anyone else.
Intuition is not a funny thing intuition is the thing. I see you. I love you. Keep going.
